I've never felt so confused in my life.

I love James with all my heart. I mean why wouldn't I. I spent 3 years of my life with him. And I will never forget it ever. I want to be with him I just don't want to be with him if you catch my drift.

Then there is Ben. We were involved for about 6 months and then we ended things at the start of the year. Had a massive falling out. But ever since we just can't seem to stop talking to each other. We fight and make up and fight and make up. I hate him. But as much as I hate to say it..I also love him.

I actually think I love him. And so you see I am torn between wanting the comfort of a 3 year relationship back but I also want some one who sends me crazy and gives me butterflies. Who makes me feel like I'm amazing even if he isn't the greatest person on this earth.

How can a person feel so much? I just want to feel a clear cut thought. So I know where I am headed. So I know what I want. What do I want?

I'm not sure..but I am going insane!

So I've neglected this blog for a couple of weeks. I think I just forgot really. Things have seemed so hectic.

I kinda feel like I don't know who I am any more. I came across a whole heap of old songs I used to write. I had so much energy, so much inspiration and creativity. Now if you put me behind a piece of paper and a pen I am just empty.

Is it because I've got older and felt more and now it's just too hard to let it all out? Or am I really just a cold hearted person with no feelings left?

Sometimes I feel like I have no feelings left in me. Like I'm just blank and I go along each day just because I have to really.

I really wanna find that girl who believed in life. The girl who loved and lived. Who wasn't afraid and didn't hold back.

Where did she go? I'm not quite sure. But I'm hoping she is not lost forever.

So I'm too mad to explain everything I was going to.

Last week Ben, my dick head ex, was asking me for sex etc, telling me he didn't like the girl he had been seeing and it didn't work out.

Facebook today tells me they are in a relationship.

She must know what he has been asking me. He must be destroyed.

Lots to tell. Tired. Missing him. Headache.

I think I will write all tomorrow..

I am in the worst mood of my life. I don't even know why.

I had a really good day. Went into the city and met up with Bek for lunch and tonight I had my dinner paid for by my mate Nick.

So why am I in a foul mood? Because of one guy. Just one. Who can say one word and send my day tumbling down.

I hate that he has this ability. Why can't I just press a button and turn him off?

Some people just don't make sense to me. I wish I could read minds. If I had a magic power I think that would be it.

Last Thursday I gave Sam one last chance and I decided to say goodbye to my pride and give him a message. THAT is not easy for me because as I said, my pride gets in the way as I hate to think that some one knows I care. Pathetic I know..

But never the less, I messaged him. He replied and was all like "oh my god I'm sorry I haven't messaged you, I've just been busy." Bull shit. But I messaged again to give benefit of the doubt. No reply.

Then last night he messaged me. Was barely even a conversation. Just "hey" and "good weekend?" Then an hour later when I had stopped replying (taste of his own medicine) I get "how come you're up so late?"

I have an event set up on facebook for my birthday which is month a way. I decided to check on the progress of how many guests I had at this point and noticed I had another rsvp yes. IT WAS SAM.

So now I am really confused. Why ignore me and then message me and then decide you are going to come to my birthday when you are only going to ignore me again any way most likely.

It doesn't make sense and I am over the games. Then again, I am just as bad..

I only invited him so I could see what he would do. I am a game player too.

I made a mistake yesterday. And I hope I won't make it again.

That is all.

Hmm..it's been a few days with out giving this blog a little love..

Possibly because nothing that exciting has been happening. I have given up on Sam and ALL boys for that matter. I need to be just me. I'll give it a go anyway. I can't promise how that will go.

Everything is perfect right now. If I could just escape from the feeling of wanting to be loved I'd be fine. Perfect family, perfect friends, perfect job and study is going well. What more could a girl ask for really? Just the happily ever after. Isn't that what every one wants?

I've spent this weekend being pretty lazy really. Some times it's good just to do nothing. I watched Shutter Island tonight. Where they try and convince him he's crazy. Or do they? Maybe he was already crazy. Who knows. But it got me thinking..

Is it really that easy to convince some one they're crazy? What if we're part of some game that some one is playing? Some times I imagine that. Just coz life really does just seem so weird. And you could think about it all day and then you definatley would go crazy.

So I'll try not to think about life and boys and all the things that may have gone wrong and just try and live it while I can..

....Before I go crazy.

Is there any one out there who can possibly tell me how the male brain works? Because it certainly does not make sense to me.

No sign of Sam today. But that's ok, he's away at work and I'm not really doing much chasing there any way. He can chase me. My confusion comes with two people who both happen to be called Michael.

First Michael messages me on facebook straight up asking for a hook up. First of all...who does this? And second of all...what makes you think I'd want to? So I say no and get a "whats wrong with you?". Ah gee I wonder. I respond and say that I'm not about to jump as soon as he says he wants a hook up. He doesn't give up. So I tell him I'm seeing some one. Which is kinda true? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. Then he responds with "how bout we have one hook up before you and him get serious?"

Um I'm sorry..are you serious? Did I just hear you correctly? Are you THAT desperate? Coz I certainly am not.

Then the second Michael, who actually calls himself Mick. I met him about 2 weeks ago at the pub. He asked for my number and asked me to dinner. The next day I realised I was WAY drunk and that it was one of those drunken conversations where you get REALLY excited to talk to a person that you actually couldn't give a shit about. You're just drunk.

Anyway, tonight he text me. Two weeks later. Honestly what goes through your mind after two weeks to suddenly go "you know what, I'm gonna contact her."

I just want to know how the male mind works. What makes them do what they do? And how do you find one that doesn't wanna stuff around?

Yet again I have been let down. So it seems anyway, or is that just my mind getting the better of me and over thinking things?

I finally heard from Sam to hear that he "got sick of his phone and left it in his room". Um yeah righto...
Never the less, I decided he gets one chance and if he acted like a dick again i walk away. Not even 10 minutes into the conversation was he ending it and didn't even say good night.

Less than 2 weeks into our whatever it is and I'm already losing good night messages? Something is not right and to be honest I am a little over putting my heart on the line.

Good news is I passed my taxation exam. So one pass and one fail.

So why do I feel like it's only a fail?